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Trauma. Loss. Innocence. This seems to be my life to-date. An experience I chose to repress and not deal with back in 2016, when I was an active part of some of the key spiritual communities in London has recently come flooding back into my awareness.
I was 22 and volunteering at a farm called the Berkeley Farm Project. I was sexually assaulted by a man 30 years older than me, claiming to be a shaman (medicine man). He had lashed out at everyone in his “ceremony,” literally- not my words, exploding on them all. He then came to my caravan door to project on me. I was only 22 at the time. Despite seeing myself as a powerful medicine woman and awakened soul, I was deeply innocent, young, and gullible. He wooed me, had sexual intercourse with me, and stole my light. I’ve repressed this until now, moreover have not spoken out publicly, but I made a conscious decision to leave the spiritual community behind from that moment on. All of my dreams and intentions- real VISIONS imparted by Spirit, destroyed… from one wicked and arrogant man’s follies. His name was Angelo.
I spent 6 months volunteering at Berkeley Farm with no pay and buying my own food. I envisioned the land, supercharging it with angelic blessings... We're talking walking through darkness at wolf o'clock when the foxes roamed free and majestic birds soared... Sitting in meditation and ceremony with my dear friend Louise to super-charge the land. Days. Weeks. Months.
Our ancestral, shamanic, and ancient, moreover UNCONDITIONALLY LOVING & SELFLESS energy became rooted in the earth, which gave birth to some of the UK's biggest grassroots entities!!! Two being Infinite Bliss Festival and Know Your Roots Festival, the latter being created by Chay Godfree from Crops Not Shops. Crops Not Shops is now the UK's largest sustainable non-profit community, situated in Glastonbury, and their first public event was hosted at Berkeley Farm- just a few months after my light left the land...
Me and my Scorpio soul-sister Louise have never been credited for this, however I can share with cosmic truth that we were catalytic to CROPS NOT SHOPS success and formation. The little people often go overlooked.
My poem SISTER published in Poetry As A Spiritual Practice: Illuminating the Awakened Woman was published during my time at Berkeley Farm.
Picture taken at Berkeley Farm
I then moved to a women-only shared house in South London, long story-short, I was coerced to leave my lifelong feline companion (cat) Beauty in an animal shelter. She did find a home, and quickly, but it was very traumatic for me. This is one of my biggest regrets to date, however I was still very young and felt like I had no other options but to comply with my live-in landlady. Ho’ponopono Beauty… I’ve wept a lot over this. Deeply traumatic.
My mum and step-dad made the mistake of entrusting me with the family home while they lived in Spain. My intentions were strong, yet I was only 25... And still hadn’t fully coped with any of the previous trauma. I trusted a mutual friend with a shared loan, Amigos, and sent £4K directly to his bank account. He did a runner, also owing over £1K in rent (he lived for three months for free). I was conned, abused, ridiculed, shamed, and neglected by people I considered soul family. I parted ways in spirit with a lifelong soulmate and childhood friend who I cared for deeply. Why did I care for him so much? Because it was my MASSIVE ANGEL BLESSINGS back in our youth that helped him become a famous musician. My light, unconditional love, and soul sacrifice for him assisted his rise to fame. This is my truth anyway. We’re talking real fame, like headlining alongside Metallica at Download and touring the world! Yup, I'm that Amazing Grace.
After years of PTSD, depression, and insomnia, I finally regained some sovereignty and courage. I travelled South America solo for a year (2022) before experimenting with co-living on my friends’ farm in Portugal. This was a more positive chapter… I was integrating and balancing, also more aligned to my adult self. My adult body. Maturity. Womanhood.
In 2023, I moved in with my new lover whom I’d been conversing with for 1.5 years prior. It was an epic fail, but also a stepping stone with much wisdom and evolution to be found. Now, in 2025 just after my 33rd birthday, I can honestly say I’ve accepted all the lessons. I’m not repressed, in denial, or closed off to my shadow. I’ve been through a lot. My entire life seems to be trauma wrapped in more trauma. I’ve lost money, donated money, given time and devotion to projects and people, and made sacrifices galore. I received a small inheritance from my mum last year, half the amount I was promised. I am now stuck in Nepal with an expired visa waiting for a small compensation payout from Amigos. It’s just enough to get me a flight ticket back to England.
I’ve poured love and angelic vibrations (which are REAL and POWERFUL in a quantum-holographic, interconnected spiritual world) into communities, only to be rejected due to internal challenges and flaws. When there are already secure relationship dynamics and you’ve been overlooked and neglected for so long, the easiest option is to reject some more... This is my story. A selfless Pisces staying in a state of self-created sacrifice and depression so others can remain in harmony, love, and joy; eventually, this toxic trait of mine (sacrifice and martyrdom) became a life lesson.
WHAT I AM VERY GRATEFUL FOR:
The Society of Authors, who gave me a smaller £500 grant in 2020- a massive vote of confidence- and a larger £2K grant in 2023 whilst I was in the UK’s Refuge system. To me, they are a godsend and a genuine organisation I’m happy to be part of. Outside of the monetary help, they let my soul shine with newfound confidence!
Three specific clients whose names I can’t mention, but have inspired me to become an excellent writer with passion and soul. One from California, a celebrity psychic from the UK, and a businessman from the States. They paid me an actual wage (fair and just- a “proper” fee in the ghostwriting world) that has given me self-esteem, clarity, and joy throughout my depression… and sustained me.
My new lover, Tafara, who holds space for me throughout my lowest moments. We are hoping to start a family soon!
The online connections, as superficial as it may seem. Work has been dry for 3 months now, since December 2024, but until then I’ve earned enough to support myself. I am very grateful for Upwork and the short and long term clients that have entered my life.
My mum for giving me a small inheritance that paid off my credit card debt and funded a 2 year marketing deal with More To Life Magazine. Also, the angelic guidance I received to do some ‘fun gambling’ during Covid. I won quite a lot, and last year before leaving for (soul-searching) India I purchased £1.5K of stock/books that will soon be shared at UK Markets.
+Unlocking my Abundance Codes, Sovereign Goddess Light, and ability to be Financially Prosperous. Chasing money, success, and fame was never part of my inner child’s desires. However, with all the loss, misfortune, and heartache I’ve experienced in my personal life, the only thing I can do is continue to master and perfect my craft. My services are my life now, even though the ‘ultimate community dream’ hasn’t manifested. Is it even realistic?
I mean, my light's pretty true and pure! But over the years I've made too many sacrifices... encountered too many losses. PICTURES FROM MY EARLY TWENTIES
I also experienced the UK's Refuge System
During Covid, I was a Hermit. I was working hard to support myself while the world was in chaos. Everyone was receiving Universal Credit, it seemed, and it was the first time in my life I had money. I’d always been too empathic, too much of a nomadic wanderer, or too reliant on my mum and step-dad for support. I did, however, keep the intentions for True Love strong in my mind, body, and heart. I was immersed in the vision of finding a True Love partner or soulmate, and I chose someone who I genuinely thought could be “the one.”
I traveled South America for a year, solo, connected to this man. He was someone I knew from youth, we shared similar friends, grew up in the same places, and generally brought a feeling of comfort and protection. There was certainly an emotional bond present! We were connected prior to and throughout the whole of my South America travels. We shared our hopes and dreams, spoke about our love needs and passions, and even communicated our desires for a loving partnership. We exchanged hundreds of messages, had voice and video calls, and came to a mutual agreement. From my angle, he seemed like my dream man. It was a legit connection.
Upon arriving in the UK, I entered into a relationship pretty quickly. Why wouldn’t I? The trust was there, the passion was there. Unfortunately, I looked past many red flags. He didn’t inform me, online, that he was a real-life alcoholic, or that he had some pretty unhealable drug addictions. I trusted him from the start, but, within weeks, there were strong elements of abuse. There were control issues. He was severely possessive. He was a paranoid schizophrenic, and he had weekly cocaine nights; he drank (excessively) every single day. My work suffered, I wasn't allowed to be sovereign or earn a living; painful arm grabs when I tried to leave our flat; verbal threats- 'women in my culture are beaten daily, be silent woman!' Yes, I was an actual victim of domestic abuse.
I walked around with a knife for the last 15 minutes of our relationship. I then spent 3 days and nights with Luton & Bedfordshire police and in funded hotel accommodation... I was given a place in the Women’s Refuge System, and, luckily, received an offer for sheltered housing pretty quickly. I give thanks.
Following leaving this "soulmate's" life, I experienced the UK Refuge System. More trauma! One positive to this wounding life experience was the wisdom Spirit imparted me with. I learned a lot, saw a lot, and ultimately got to explore the very complex topic of Mental Health on a very, very deep level...
BUY GRACE'S BOOK, WRITTEN DURING HER TIME IN THE UK'S REFUGE SYSTEM (+ FROM HER LIFE EXPERIENCES AND REFLECTIONS LEADING UP TO THIS CHAPTER), HERE: Mental Health Issues of the Star Signs & Zodiac ✧
The Refuge System was a real eye-opener for me. Similar to prison, you can get good people and bad people- people who genuinely want to change, heal, and restart their lives over, and people who want to perpetuate their trauma-story, victimhood, or toxic behaviors. I was really happy in the Refuge I was in in Kent. I had started writing again, had been exploring the area for dance classes, affordable gyms, and local libraries to chill at. I was on a really good path. Unfortunately, they placed THE MOST anti-social, "only way is Essex," or in this case, Croydon girl, in my Refuge.
Within 2 days I was forced to leave; she verbally assaulted me, bullied me out of my home, and turned a single mum I had formed a relatively harmonious friendship with against me. She was majorly on the drug, alcohol, and BS vibe, the exact same as my abusive ex. She also wh*red around a lot, snogging and shagging random men she met at bars. (True story, I'm writing this to paint a clear picture of the energy...)
My living situation became actual Hell. It was traumatizing and soul-destroying, considering everything I'd already been through. The other sheltered woman I'd been living with seemed to think her promiscuous, partying, and abusive ways were a good lifestyle for her. I was bullied quite severely, ganged up on, and- icing on the moldy cake- even had the police called on me in the middle of the night when I knocked on her door asking her to stop being so nasty. The single mum was a sociopath. (No, seriously, she was diagnosed Bi-Polar with genuine sociopathic tendencies....)
In my 31 years on this earth plane, I have never once had a police exchange. Never broken the law, never been an evil, trecherous, or immoral person- never abused, attacked, wronged, harmed, or assaulted anyone's person or property. She filed a False Police Report, because she had sided with someone monstrous. Long-story short, I rang other Refuges around the UK, made the decision to leave, and funded my own travel. 🙏🏽
My support worker at Kent's Refuge was amazing, truly lovely- couldn't speak any higher of her. But the women I was put in "Refuge" with, quite honestly, showed me how I didn't want to be. They're the reason why I chose and continue to choose a spiritual and pure path. There's a lot more I could say about these two women- they showed me evil for sure... But let's leave it at this.
I then moved to Salisbury's Refuge in Wiltshire, a very safe and secure place; they would not have tolerated the BS I went through at Kent there. They had lots of staff onsite, not just one, and much stricter rules regarding antisocial behavior. I appreciated the safety. But, it was also a massive shelter, with over 15 women, and I didn't receive the care or support I needed. At least not on an emotional, psychological, or spiritual level. It was more of a business despite the physical and material comforts (which I can't fault).
Ultimately, I got to see mental health on a deep level, outside of my Hermit bubble, overly kind empath self, and 'rose-tinted glasses' world-view. I say this with no disrespect, but it's clear that, like prison, trauma feeds trauma; if one person doesn't want to change, the others have to suffer. Society breeds toxicity. Society let's unhealed wounds go unchecked. Society allows abuse, BS, and wounds to perpetuate... There's a lot I wanted to offer Salisbury Refuge, it could have been a real home for quite a few years! But my energy wasn't welcome.
I give thanks to my Angels, Animal Protectors, and Spirit Guides for the strength and self-love I had. I almost didn't survive 2023... It was one of my most horrific years. ~ Trauma on top of trauma, challenge after challenge; more abuse. I did learn my shadows, however- being an overly kind, overly trusting, and super-empathic angelic being IS seen as a mental health issue, by some members of society. It's a shame. But I guess my place in this world is outside of this Wetiko Illusion game.
Grace has officially escaped the Matrix! Thanks for reading. ✧
Empath, healer, earth mother, divine feminine, and sober being. ✧
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