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During Covid, I was a Hermit. I was working hard to support myself while the world was in chaos. Everyone was receiving Universal Credit, it seemed, and it was the first time in my life I had money. I’d always been too empathic, too much of a nomadic wanderer, or too reliant on my mum and step-dad for support. I did, however, keep the intentions for True Love strong in my mind, body, and heart. I was immersed in the vision of finding a True Love partner or soulmate, and I chose someone who I genuinely thought could be “the one.”
I traveled South America for a year, solo, connected to this man. He was someone I knew from youth, we shared similar friends, grew up in the same places, and generally brought a feeling of comfort and protection. There was certainly an emotional bond present! We were connected prior to and throughout the whole of my South America travels. We shared our hopes and dreams, spoke about our love needs and passions, and even communicated our desires for a loving partnership. We exchanged hundreds of messages, had voice and video calls, and came to a mutual agreement. From my angle, he seemed like my dream man. It was a legit connection.
Upon arriving in the UK, I entered into a relationship pretty quickly. Why wouldn’t I? The trust was there, the passion was there. Unfortunately, I looked past many red flags. He didn’t inform me, online, that he was a real-life alcoholic, or that he had some pretty unhealable drug addictions. I trusted him from the start; I poured my love and soul into him from the start… It was an epic fail. Within weeks, there were strong elements of abuse. He would threaten me daily, telling me “women in my culture are beaten, be silent woman.” He was from Zimbabwe. He’d also spent a lot of time away from good-natured, spiritual, open-minded people, only mingling with his brothers who were in their 40s and 50s. There was a deeply inherent cultural aspect to his love needs and style that, quite simply, created a barbaric “dom-sub” frequency.
He would violently grab my arm to prevent me from leaving his apartment. I wasn’t allowed to leave without his permission, I wasn’t allowed to work in the local library. I was subject to extreme gaslighting tactics; in one moment, “here’s your key, this is your home, of course you’re free. Of course there’s love.” In the next moment, “GIVE ME BACK MY KEY, THIS IS MY HOUSE!!!” Violent rage outbursts, shouting, and very intimidating behavior. I came to find he was a Paranoid Schizophrenic, undiagnozed officially, but a mutual conclusion by his family, brothers, and the doctors he'd seen. (When I was in the police station later, I heard his full report- criminal and medical conditions- through the female officer's radio, and let's just say there was A LOT of things he didn't tell me. ~ So many cases of public violence, drugged-up encounters, and mental health issues including the paranoid schizophrenia. My empath self doesn't want to say this, but he was a liar- a real con artist. He played on my kindness. :() He would also sniff cocaine once a week, which meant him intimidating me and talking over me until early hours of the morning. Of course, I received no real love or bond after this- how can a drug addict provide the care and support I needed? It was impossible.
I enjoyed his brother’s company, a fellow Pisces like myself who saw his alcoholism and drug addiction for what it was. We had some lovely conversations. I also found some platonic intimacy in his friends who would visit, who all seemed pretty sane and normal compared to this “lover” of mine. But, he would threaten them, shout at them, and bully them into either leaving with fear or thinking it’s not ok to speak to a woman. His jealousy and paranoia were out of control. He once chased one of his so-called brethren out of his home, smashing a glass behind him in the corridor (after aggressively threatening him), because we were conversing like normal people. Just wow.
It got to the stage where he tried to normalize “r*pe,” with heavy gaslighting and emotional manipulation suggesting that ‘forcing me down against my will’ was a “tribal act.” I get it- I am a spiritual teacher; I speak about the primal self, a lot. But there is a MASSIVE difference between rough sex in a loving and conscious relationship, with mutual consent, where there is connection, love, and emotional bonding present, and the same physical acts after threats like “in my culture women are beaten daily” are involved. Don’t forget the violent arm grabs, immoral cocaine nights, and modern-day slavery. I was his prisoner, sex-slave, and play-thing. True story.
After just 5 weeks living with him, I called the police. He wouldn’t let me leave. The only way he was going to let me leave was completely powerless. Utterly powerless. He fed off my life force and light- he drained my vital life force. I spent my last few hours smashing things- plates, little ornaments, minor things- simply to defend myself. He had no respect for my body, mind, or soul; he didn’t respect gentleness or grace. I had to get violent to protect the physical space surrounding me, my aura, and my sanity… I walked around with a knife during the last 15 minutes of our relationship.
The police eventually arrived and escorted me out to safety. I spent the 3 days and nights following speaking to people and in hotels, very kindly funded by Luton & Bedfordshire police. The amount of support and kindness I received was angelic, saintlike. I am deeply grateful to all the officers and more specifically women I spoke to during my 3 days leaving this false soulmate’s life. I was put in the Women’s Refuge System, and, luckily, received an offer for sheltered housing pretty quickly.
More of Grace’s story to come....
Following leaving this "soulmate's" life, I experienced the UK Refuge System. More trauma! One positive to this wounding life experience was the wisdom Spirit imparted me with. I learned a lot, saw a lot, and ultimately got to explore the very complex topic of Mental Health on a very, very deep level...
BUY GRACE'S BOOK, WRITTEN DURING HER TIME IN THE UK'S REFUGE SYSTEM (+ FROM HER LIFE EXPERIENCES AND REFLECTIONS LEADING UP TO THIS CHAPTER), HERE: Mental Health Issues of the Star Signs & Zodiac ✧
The Refuge System was a real eye-opener for me. Similar to prison, you can get good people and bad people- people who genuinely want to change, heal, and restart their lives over, and people who want to perpetuate their trauma-story, victimhood, or toxic behaviors. I was really happy in the Refuge I was in in Kent. I had started writing again, had been exploring the area for dance classes, affordable gyms, and local libraries to chill at. I was on a really good path. Unfortunately, they placed THE MOST anti-social, "only way is Essex," or in this case, Croydon girl, in my Refuge.
Within 2 days I was forced to lave; she verbally assaulted me, bullied me out of my home, and turned a single mum I had formed a relatively harmonious friendship with against me. She was majorly on the drug, alcohol, and BS vibe, the exact same as my abusive ex. She also wh*red around a lot, snogging and shagging random men she met at bars. (Writing this to paint a clear picture of the energy...)
My living situation became actual Hell. It was traumatizing and soul-destroying, considering everything I'd already been through. The other sheltered woman I'd been living with seemed to think her promiscuous, partying, and abusive ways were a good lifestyle for her. I was bullied quite severely, ganged up on, and- icing on the moldy cake- even had the police called on me in the middle of the night when I knocked on her door asking her to stop being so nasty. The single mum was a sociopath. (No, seriously, she was diagnosed Bi-Polar with genuine sociopathic tendencies....)
In my 31 years on this earth plane, I have never once had a police exchange. Never broken the law, never been an evil, trecherous, or immoral person- never abused, attacked, wronged, harmed, or assaulted anyone's person or property. She filed a False Police Report, because she had sided with someone monstrous. Long-story short, I rang other Refuges around the UK, made the decision to leave, and funded my own travel. 🙏🏽
My support worker at Kent's Refuge was amazing, truly lovely- couldn't speak any higher of her. But the women I was put in "Refuge" with, quite honestly, showed me how I didn't want to be. They're the reason why I chose and continue to choose a spiritual and pure path. There's a lot more I could say about these two women- they showed me evil for sure! But let's leave it at this.
I then moved to Salisbury's Refuge in Wiltshire, a very safe and secure place; they would not have tolerated the BS I went through at Kent there. They had lots of staff onsite, not just one, and much stricter rules regarding antisocial behavior. I appreciated the safety. But, it was also a massive shelter, with over 15 women, and I didn't receive the care or support I needed. At least not on an emotional, psychological, or spiritual level. It was more of a business despite the physical and material comforts (which I can't fault). Picture taken at Salisbury's Refuge, Wiltshire.
Ultimately, I got to see mental health on a deep level, outside of my Hermit bubble, overly kind empath self, and 'rose-tinted glasses' world-view. I say this with no disrespect, but it's clear that, like prison, trauma feeds trauma; if one person doesn't want to change, the others have to suffer. Society breeds toxicity. Society let's unhealed wounds go unchecked. Society allows abuse, BS, and wounds to perpetuate... There's a lot I wanted to offer Salisbury Refuge, it could have been a real home for quite a few years! But my energy wasn't welcome.
I give thanks to my Angels, Animal Protectors, and Spirit Guides for the strength and self-love I had. I almost didn't survive 2023... It was one of my most horrific years. ~ Trauma on top of trauma, challenge after challenge; more abuse. I did learn my shadows, however- being an overly kind, overly trusting, and super-empathic angelic being IS seen as a mental health issue, by some members of society. It's a shame. But I guess my place in this world is outside of this Wetiko Illusion game.
Grace has officially escaped the Matrix! Thanks for reading. ✧
GPuskas
